


that means it's noon, that means we're inconsolable

by foxesjosten



Category: Dead Poets Society (1989)
Genre: Canon Compliant, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Suicide, neil still dies im sorry, this was honestly kinda self indulgent, went off an idea i had about the others finding out and then this just kinda happened
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-15
Updated: 2020-06-15
Packaged: 2021-03-04 04:48:56
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,100
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24727759
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/foxesjosten/pseuds/foxesjosten
Summary: what happens before todd finds out that neil's gone?
Relationships: Charlie Dalton & Knox Overstreet, Charlie Dalton & Neil Perry, Gerard Pitts & Charlie Dalton, Todd Anderson & Charlie Dalton
Comments: 5
Kudos: 42





	that means it's noon, that means we're inconsolable

**Author's Note:**

> look at the light through the windowpane.  
> that means it's noon, that means we're inconsolable.  
> -richard siken

Being awake this late at night is no surprise to Charlie Dalton. Should he be asleep? Absolutely. Is he anywhere near falling asleep? Absolutely not. The knock on Charlie’s door, however, is a surprise. His friends weren’t night owls, minus Meeks. They would, and should, all be asleep by now. Charlie wonders who is going to turn up on the other side of the door he’s about to open. 

“Dalton, you’re awake.” The boy at the door says almost instantly. He seems surprised. It isn’t a stranger, but it isn’t a friend either. Joshua Moore was an acquaintance to Charlie at most. The boy in the doorway was deemed this floor’s monitor by Mr.Nolan. Every dormitory floor had one. He checked in on his peers every so often and more importantly, he kept the noise levels and chaos to a minimum. Or at least he tried to. 

“I am.” Charlie replies. “And you’re here, why?”

“Uh,” Joshua hesitates. “Nolan sent me up here.”

“What’d I do this time?” Charlie sighs. Nothing was coming to mind, but something had to be up. Nolan wouldn’t directly send a floor monitor to someone without a purpose. Charlie tries to place his latest scheme and how badly it could have gone. 

“You didn’t do anything Charlie.” Joshua says back. Charlie almost expects him to make his way into the room, but Josh stays firmly planted in the doorway. 

“Then I’ll ask again Josh, why are you here?” Charlie asks, leaning against the door frame. He’s beginning to lose his patience but he can’t figure out why. Something in Josh’s expression is making him uneasy. Something is off. 

“Look, I don’t really know how to say this. So I guess I’m gonna just say it.” Joshua says. And then he goes silent. He doesn’t come right out with what he has to say. Instead, he avoids Charlie’s gaze. It appears that he’s taken to staring towards the window, over Charlie’s shoulder.

It doesn’t take long for the silence to grate on Charlie’s slightly frayed nerves. “Jesus, Josh just say whatever you need to say. You’re killing me here.”

The other boy’s face goes white as a sheet at Charlie’s last remark. After a few seconds, he drags his gaze back towards Charlie’s, with obvious effort, and drops a bomb in the small space between the two of them. “Neil Perry’s dead.”

The words don’t sound right. They sound fuzzy when they reach Charlie’s ears, almost like they’re coming from an old radio. Staticy, drowned out by background noise. The words may be fuzzy, but the feeling coursing through his body is sharp. It feels like the ground has swallowed him up whole right then and there. It feels like Joshua has reached inside of Charlie and cracked something right in half, clean down the middle. At least it’s a clean break, right? He needs to sit down. He needs to make sure the floorboards are still under his feet. He needs to know that they haven’t given way, plunging him down into the burning pits of hell. This has to be hell. This has to be hell. 

“When?” is all Charlie can say back.

“I don’t know. Nolan wanted me to tell his roommate, the quiet kid, but I couldn’t bring myself to tell him. That kid always looks like he’s about two seconds from passing out or getting sick on a normal day, I couldn’t tell him first.”

 _Todd…_ The mention of Todd is what grounds Charlie. Todd is something real. The floor has not given way. He isn’t in hell. He is still at Welton and Neil is dead. This is real.

“It’s fine. I’m glad you didn’t tell Todd.” Charlie replies numbly. The words give him trouble. None of them want to pass through his lips.

“I’m real sorry, Charlie.” Josh says awkwardly, pulling at a loose thread on his sleeve. He’s looking away from Charlie again. “I know you and Neil were good buddies. Is there anyth-”

“Don’t worry about it, Josh. It’s fine.” Charlie says, cutting him off. Josh meant well, but Charlie didn’t need his help. There is nothing that can help Charlie right now. Help has been thrown overboard into a dark sea tonight. It will never see daylight again. 

“Alright, I guess I’ll leave you alone. Nolan still needs me to tell the roommate. Todd.” Joshua says. It’s obvious that he still is not prepared to tell Todd. He had barely gotten through telling Charlie the earth shattering news. How could he, or anyone, tell Todd?

“No.” Charlie says, surprising himself. Josh stops mid-turn. “Let me tell him. I think it would be better if this came from me.”

“You sure?” Josh asks, equal parts relieved and startled.

“I’m positive.” Charlie nods. But was he?

“Okay. If you uh, need anything you know where to find me.” Joshua repeats.

“Wait.” Charlie calls. Josh stops again. “Do you know how? How he…”

Joshua goes pale again. Charlie can tell that he knows and that he does not want to have to be the one to tell him this. But what’s one more terrible truth to Charlie at this point? 

“He shot himself.”

Charlie nods again and thankfully, Josh takes that as his queue to leave. 

The room falls silent. Charlie can’t even be bothered to shut the door. Should he sit? Should he put off telling Todd? _What do you want to do here?_ Charlie thinks to himself. He wants to curl up in a ball on his bed. He wants to scream until his throat is raw and his voice has gone silent. He knows he has to rephrase his original question. _What do you need to do here?_ Keep moving, Charlie needs to keep moving. He cannot spare a minute for himself. If he gives himself the luxury, he’ll fall to pieces. If he stays in this room, he will fall apart. But how is he supposed to keep moving when the direction he needs to move in is towards Todd? There were no words to give Todd.

Knox. He needs to go to Knox next, for three reasons. One, he knows Knox’s reaction is going to be the worst besides Todd. _Maybe it will be good practice,_ he thinks, _maybe he just needs to get it over with._ Two, he needs someone else to be in on this god awful secret. Joshua Moore does not count here. He would never feel the crushing weight that was threatening to bring Charlie to his knees. And three, Charlie knows that he just really needs Knox right now. 

So Charlie wills his legs to move him forward. He begs his body to cooperate with him for just a little longer. It was not time to rest yet. Who knows when that time would come? Something in Charlie’s mind gets him to move. Something sets him in motion towards the door one across and two down. Something helps guide Charlie’s hand into a fist, which slams against Knox’s door. It only takes a few knocks to be met by an open door, revealing a barely awake Knox Overstreet.

“Charlie, do you even know what time it is? Do y-” Knox stops. Charlie wonders if something in his expression gives him away the way Josh’s had. “Are you okay?”

He couldn’t have the conversation out in the hallway. It was one thing for him to find out in his doorway, but it was a whole different thing for Knox to find out that way. Knox, like the rest of them, deserved to find out in the comfort of his own room. Would there be any comfort in this room after the fact? 

Charlie shoulders past Knox, pulling the door closed behind him. “Something happened.”

“What is it? Are you hurt?” Knox asks as he takes a step towards Charlie to inspect for injuries. But Knox was looking in all the wrong places. There was not a mark on Charlie. There was no way to see the damage from the outside. 

Charlie begs his body to keep moving again. He needs to get the words out. He needs to break the silence.

“Knox, Neil is dead.” He says for the first time out loud. “Neil died.”

The words feel just as strange coming from his mouth as they did from Joshua’s. Still just as muffled and unclear. 

“No.” Knox says, choking out a laugh. The strangled noise threatens to break something else in Charlie. “Charlie, we saw him a couple of hours ago. You’re wrong.”

“I’m n-”

“No, stop! This isn’t fucking funny, Charlie. This is low. This is a sick joke, man!” Knox yells as he paces towards Charlie. He has to calm Knox down, he knows this. He has to get this under control before it gets too bad. He can’t chance Nolan stepping in again. Only he could deliver this news to his friends.

“Knox, look at me.” Charlie says, grabbing Knox by the shoulders. The other boy had put himself in reaching distance. Knox stares down at Charlie waiting for an explanation. “Nolan had Josh come tell me. Neil killed himself. He’s gone. He’s gone.”

Charlie isn’t sure how he manages to keep himself up as Knox collapses into him. He doesn’t think he’ll ever forget the feeling of Knox’s nails digging into his back, an attempt at keeping himself up as well, Charlie assumes. He hopes he’ll be able to forget the feeling of Knox shaking in his grasp. Or the sound of his friend gasping for air, choking on his tears. Charlie was right; this was some of the worst of it. It could not get much worse than this. 

He’s close to breaking, he knows this. Charlie feels the pressure behind his eyes, willing him to cry, and the lump in his throat. He _wants_ to cry. He wants to fall apart alongside Knox and get it out of his system now, but he can’t. The tears just did not seem to want to come. 

Before he realizes it, Knox is starting to pull himself together. Charlie isn’t sure how he is doing it so fast, but he is. Knox drops his arms from around Charlie and glances down again, eyes rimmed red. “Who else knows? Is it just us?”

“Just us.” Charlie says. “I told Josh I’d tell the others. I didn’t want Todd to have to get the news from someone who’s practically a stranger.”

“Oh god, Todd.” Knox whispers as he closes his eyes. Charlie isn’t the only one to know how badly this was going to go.

“I know. Look, I have to go tell Pitts and Meeks. If you need me, come find me.” Charlie tells him as he heads for the door. Maybe telling the others would come easier now that he’d gotten one done with. 

“No, I want to come.” Knox says, pulling at Charlie’s arm to stop him. “I want to be there for them.”

Part of Charlie wants to order Knox back to bed. His friend looked about ready to fall asleep standing up and he could probably use all the rest that he could get. But Charlie stops himself. If Knox was offering his companionship, he would take it. He didn’t want to have to do this alone. “Alright, let’s go.”

They walk next to each other in silence only needing to go two doors down this time. Charlie knocks lightly and enters without waiting for a response. He doesn’t want to waste anymore time. He’s unsurprised that Meeks is awake, tinkering away with some contraption at his desk. Pitts is sitting up in his bed half asleep, trying to keep his eyes on Meeks.

“What’s up?” Meeks asks. His tone is colored with suspicion. Charlie swore he used to be able to control his expression better than this. Perhaps Knox’s face was the one that gave it away this time. 

“It’s a little late for a party, don’t you think?” Pitts murmurs sleepily.

“Can we talk?” Charlie asks as he walks towards his friends with Knox trailing after him. He hopes Knox closed the door.

“Everything alright?” Meeks asks, even more suspicious now. Pitts seems to straighten up at the question, now also donning a look of suspicion.

Charlie was wrong. This was not going to be any easier this time around. No matter how many of his friends he would have to tell, it would always be horrific. It could be knowing who he’d left for last that was making this so terrible. It could be that there was just no good way to go about something like this. He wishes Knox would take the reins on this one, but he knows better than that. Knox has been silent since they left his room..

“Charlie?”

They’re waiting for an answer. 

“Neil’s dead.” Charlie says. It doesn’t seem any more clear to him now. It still feels like he’s testing out the words and the way they sound when they leave his mouth. It feels like he’s playing a role. He’s delivering a line that he just can’t seem to get right no matter how many times he says it. He’s memorized it, but it always seems to come out wrong. Words like this never came out right.

Charlie watches as the impact of his words shakes the last bit of sleep from Pitts’ eyes. He’s fully awake now. Charlie listens to the sound of Meeks’ contraption slipping from his hands and hitting the desktop. He can see his friend shaking his head, as if to say “no” but he doesn’t try to fight it the way Knox had.

Meeks’ lack of argumentative words plunges the room into a thick silence. Charlie can almost feel the weight of it all around him. “Someone please say something.” 

“We still have to tell Todd.” Knox informs the others. 

_At least he’s speaking again,_ Charlie thinks to himself. He’s thankful for the sound of another voice cutting through the silence.

This pulls Meeks from his head shaking. He turns to look at Charlie, eyes bulging out from behind his glasses. “Todd doesn’t know?” 

Now Charlie is the one shaking his head. 

“Charlie, what do we do? How do we tell Todd? What do we do?” Meeks fires off the questions in Charlie’s direction, hoping he’ll supply the answers. Charlie isn’t sure how to tell him that the supply has just about run dry tonight. “How the fuck do we tell Todd? Are you even sure he’s…”

“He’s gone.” Knox says, saving Charlie from having to say it again and shaking Meeks from his panic. He walks over to the other boy slowly and places a hand on his shoulder. Another thing that Charlie is thankful for. He isn’t sure how comforting his attempt would have been. There’s only one thing left he can offer in an attempt to comfort his friends. 

“Look, why don’t you three just stay here while I go tell Todd.” Charlie suggests.

“No,” Pitts finally speaks. “We’re not gonna let you do this alone.”

Charlie meets Pitts’ solemn gaze and feels the ghost of a smile trying to tug at the corners of his lips. “Thank you.”

His words seem to put the other three in motion. It feels like they’re all operating on Charlie’s mantra now. Keep moving. Keep moving. Keep moving.

Charlie leads his friends out of the room and directly across the hall to Neil and Todd’s room. Was it really still Neil and Todd’s room though? Or did it technically now only fall under the name of the sole survivor? Todd’s room? No, Neil and Todd’s room.

Charlie doesn’t bother to knock this time. He’s slipped into this room on more nights than he can count. He knows this door is always unlocked. 

The four boys silently file into the dark room with only one making it past the threshold, barely. Charlie won’t beg the others to move along with him when it comes time. He had tasked himself with telling Todd. He had chosen to shoulder this burden in hopes that his delivery would make some sort of difference to his friends. Having the others at his back, even a few feet away, was more than he could have asked for. 

Peaceful is the first word that comes to mind when he sees Todd curled up in his bed. This peace would not be around for much longer. As far as Charlie was concerned, peace had been thrown into the same dark sea that had claimed the life of help tonight. He wants to commit this image of Todd to memory. Looking towards his friends still in the doorway, it seems that they’re all trying to take in this last peaceful image of their friend as well. He was asleep. He was still unaware. His world was still in one piece. 

And then Charlie does something that he knows he shouldn’t. He had told himself to keep his eyes on Todd. He had sworn to himself that he would focus, but his gaze drifts towards the other side of the room and his eyes fall on an empty bed. _Neil’s bed._ Empty. 

To someone outside of the room, nothing would appear out of place. The bed was made as neatly as it always was. A pair of scuffed sneakers was tucked under it, one untied. A green sweater was folded neatly at the foot of the bed. It still looked _lived in._ But Charlie knew better. He knew that the rightful owner of those shoes was never coming back to lace them up. The sweater on the bed would never be worn again. No one was crawling under these sheets anytime soon.

The sight of Todd, so unaware, combined with the permanent emptiness to his right is what finally does it for Charlie. The pressure behind his eyes and the lump in his throat finally become too much to take. Charlie was finally crying. Knox makes a reach towards Charlie from the doorway when he notices the silent tears on the other boy’s face, but Charlie swats him away. He has to push on. As much as he thinks he can’t do this, he knows he has to. Charlie finally begins walking towards Todd when someone behind him clears their throat.

He turns and glances directly towards Knox, knowing that he is the origin of the noise. “Just God Charlie, please be gentle.”

And he is. Charlie is the most gentle he’s been in years as he leans down to wake Todd.

“Todd, Todd. Neil’s dead.”

**Author's Note:**

> this one hurted lmaoooo but yeah i just had this idea and ran with it and didnt even expect anything to come of it but !  
> as always thank you to kalina for letting me bounce my angsty ideas off of you<3  
> hope you guys like this lmk what you think!!  
> follow me on social media!  
> twitter: lightwoodfrays  
> tumblr: weltonboys (aesthetic blog) & foxesjostens (main)


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